1. I accidentally scratched someone else’s car while reversing the car in the morning. Although the man didn’t say anything, I decided to send the car for repairs. The repairer said that it is not impossible to restore the car to its original appearance, but the cost It’s the car’s new purchase price.
I said, “Master, are you joking?”
“You’re just kidding, you took a broken bicycle to fool me early in the morning , and you can see clearly that this is a car repair, not a bicycle repair!!!” he said.
2. John was waiting for the plane at the airport, and when he was bored, he stood on a weight machine, and the words “You are John, weighing 87 kilograms, and flying to New York” appeared on the screen immediately.
John was very surprised. Ten minutes later, he stood on the machine again wearing sunglasses, and the screen immediately displayed “You are John, weighing 87 kilograms, flying to New York”.
John felt even more miraculous. He ran into the bathroom to shave off his beard, changed his clothes and came to the machine again. The screen immediately displayed “You are still John, your weight is still 87 kilograms, and your plane has already passed.” Flew away twenty minutes ago.”
3. Two friends decided to drink after receiving their wages. One of them was a little worried: my wife is very powerful and probably won’t let me in the house.
I went home drunk, took off my clothes outside the door, and then rang the doorbell. When my wife opened the door, I hurriedly threw the clothes into the house. She saw that I was naked and immediately let me in.
The next day, the two met.
Hello, how did your wife treat you yesterday?
Cough, forget it. I went to the door and undressed. The door opened, and I threw the clothes out of my hand… At this moment, I heard a voice from the door: Please pay attention, the door is now closed. The next stop is People’s Square.
4. I was in the public toilet today, just squatting down… suddenly the ringtone of “Zhu Bajie carrying his wife” came from the cell phone next door, hey! If you carry your wife, you can carry your wife. The most hateful thing is that he didn’t answer the phone, and the voice was so loud that the whole toilet echoed all the time.
His frustrating ringtone, when the second ringtone rang, only the hurried footsteps of the man was heard, and then he answered the phone and said, “Old Wang, I’m sorry, I fell asleep just now, so I didn’t hear it.”
I almost passed out…
5. An Irishman was driving a donkey cart across the bridge. The arch at the end of the bridge seemed not high enough. He was worried that the donkey cart would not be able to pass, so he took a rivet head from the cart and knocked off some stones from the arch very carefully .
The police passed by here and saw him, and said to him: “There are such fools in the world! Wouldn’t it be easy for you to dig a layer of soil under the arch?”
The driver was not convinced: “You are the fucking fool! It’s not because the donkey’s legs are too long to pass, but the donkey’s ears are too long.”
The blacksmith came the next day, and he took out the scales again. The blacksmith was upset and said, “I told you it’s pig iron, so it can’t be used!” Unexpectedly, the man also lost his temper: “Nonsense! As soon as you left yesterday, I put this weight in a pot and boiled it over high heat. After cooking for most of the night, how could it still be raw!”
6. At a bus stop in a small town in the middle of the United States, there was a dispute between white people and black people. They were at loggerheads in order to get on the bus first.
In order to resolve the dispute, the bus driver suggested that everyone regard themselves as green-skinned people, all equal, in no particular order, so that they can drive. Everyone is happy to agree for the sake of time.
So the driver announced: “Start boarding now! The light green people get on first, and the dark green people get on last.”
7. Mrs. Swallow is chatting with her neighbors.
Mrs. Swallow: Yesterday my husband got drunk and vomited up the whole nest.
Neighbor: Really… so disgusting! !
Mrs. Swallow: The more disgusting thing is yet to come.
Neighbor: Hmm…
Mrs. Swallow: Well, early this morning, human beings took it to my house and said they wanted to eat bird’s nest .
Neighbor: @#%looo…
8. A thief was squatting on the side of the road to steal a car and pick the lock. When he was very busy, his brother appeared and asked: Is it easy to drive?
Thief: No, the key is broken inside. Me: Do you want to help?
Thief: Thank you, no need.
I continued to watch for a long time, and the broken key came out and I hadn’t opened it for a long time, so I went up and handed him a key, and tried this.
Plug it in and turn it open, the thief is thankful, he is pushing the car and is about to leave, he cactus has not realized that I am the owner of the car.
9. Lili loves to dress up, but her reading is so-so. One day, the school issued the student registration form, and the columns of “family background” and “political affiliation” in the form made her stunned. Suddenly, she thought that her grandma had said that she was born in a pavilion, so she was born in the “family background”. In the column of “Birthplace”, the word “Tingzijian” was filled in; as for “Political Aspect”, she looked at it in the mirror for a long time, smiled with satisfaction, and filled in the word “Oval Face”.
10. A man saw a friend wearing a pair of beautiful leather shoes and was very envious.
After asking, I found out that they were crocodile leather shoes, and they were expensive. So he decided to hunt a crocodile himself.
He found a swamp, jumped into the water and fought a crocodile for a long time. It was hard to drag the crocodile up.
He sighed and said, “So much time wasted! This crocodile doesn’t even have shoes on!”
11. One day, the sparrow met the crow, and the sparrow asked who are you?
The crow said, I am a peacock.
Peacocks are colorful, why are you all in black?
I am a peacock medium-fired boiler.
The crow asked the sparrow, what are you?
The sparrow said: I am an eagle.
Eagles are strong, how do you…?
I’m a marijuana smoker among eagles . replied the sparrow.
At this time, a roast duck came, and they asked: “Who are you?”
I am Phoenix!
Why doesn’t the phoenix have feathers?
Why! Dude, I practiced Falun Gong in Phoenix and set myself on fire.
12. One day, I went to Mrs. Wang’s home to see how the cough syrup I prescribed last time worked.
As soon as I entered the door, I saw Mrs. Wang standing in the middle of the room shaking her body back and forth, with the syrup I opened and a glass of boiled water beside her.
“What are you doing?” I asked curiously.
“Get ready to drink syrup!” Mrs. Wang said.
“Then you…?”
Mrs. Wang said: “Look, look, isn’t it written in the instructions of this syrup! ‘…shake before taking’.
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